My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I lost the right to judge tonight
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
