I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
