I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
