i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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