Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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