Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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