she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
