Jerry, you need to find god
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
