last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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