I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
