so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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