i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
