Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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