Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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