Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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