I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
