sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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