DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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