that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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