So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
