in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
