god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
