watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
