I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
