No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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