I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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