I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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