That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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