mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
