I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
