You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
