I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize