i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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