Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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