dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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