Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I have aggressive nipples.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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