I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
