I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
