I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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