I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
