Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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