I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
