how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Less talking, more tequila
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
