I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
