I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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