I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
