I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
