if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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