Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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