help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
