Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
