He asked to "fluff my boner.."
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Randomize
