just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
