i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
