watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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