I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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