Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
