Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize